Stray Dog Syndrome

Reflecting on 2024. Gratefulness and grief.

Jan 01, 2025

New Year’s Eve. Twenty twenty four is coming to a close. By the time you read this, it’ll likely be twenty twenty five.

It has been a very difficult one. A very transformative one. A year full of great personal loss, letting go, lessons and growth.

The washing machine is rattling in the background. Sipping on some peppermint tea while cooking a light meal. I walked for a few miles today. Talked to my dad on the phone while taking in the sunshine. Kept on walking for a few miles more. I had some ear buds in but kept the company of mostly the sounds around me and silence.

Still feeling restless.

Reflecting now.

I hope, dear reader, that your holiday season was well, nourishing and fulfilling. I hope this coming year is the same. I hope that we are all able to pause and find the balance of gratefulness and compassion for ourselves as well as others as we carry on into the complete unknown.

And yes, I did watch that Bob Dylan movie. It was alright. I feel like, if in fact, Bob did approve parts of it, it was almost like the ultimate contrarian move on his end.

Sounds like that did happen. I heard that as the last part of the script was read to him he simply said: “Go with god”, and walked out.

I think I liked the fact that they played all the music live. I’m also a sucker for older films and consequently some things that would be interpreted as corny. They caught a certain something I guess. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t great. It just kind of was.

One of his songs in particular has been comforting.

‘Death Is Not The End’

“When you’re sad and when you’re lonely, And you haven’t got a friend, just remember that death is not the end, and all you’ve held sacred, falls down and does not mend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

When you’re standing at the crossroads, that you cannot comprehend, just remember that death is not the end, and all your dreams have vanished and you don’t know what’s up the bend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

When the storm clouds gather ‘round you and heavy rains descend, just remember that death is not the end, and there’s no one there to comfort you with a helpin’ hand to lend, just remember that death is not the end, not the end, not the end, just remember that death is not the end.

Oh, the tree of life is growing, where the spirit never dies and the bright light of salvation shines in dark and empty skies.“

This past year certainly was a lot of things but dull was not one of them. Living in Santa Barbara has been good enough so far, grateful for the new place I’m living in as well as the friends I’ve made over the years down here, becoming gradually closer.

A good direction for starters.

Sleeping erratically. Been burning the candle at both ends. Up until Christmas really. The other night I was up till 8am for some reason. Haven’t done that in god knows how long. I try to sleep whenever I can. It has been harder lately to drift off. Harder to quiet my mind. A lot to process. That naughty doom scrolling certainly doesn’t help either. I feel like I’m always grabbing for something lately.

A drink, a guitar, my phone.

Whatever I gotta do to self regulate a little. To detach a little. Just enough so I can get through the next day. Remembering to focus on myself and take pauses.

I’m a converted believer in the institution of napping.

What’s next? I don’t know. This past year was so damn much that it’s hard to say where I see this next one going. Keeping my fingers crossed.

A moment to take a breath and relax into wherever I am would be nice. I’ll start there.

I still feel other cities calling. I need to reach out to some friends about booking some solo shows in Nashville, I’d like to see what that place is about. Maybe hang there for a little while.

Another friend brought up LA again. I guess that is always a possibility. Since the city of angels has always been right there I’ve enjoyed being able to dip in without getting stuck there, however the older I get the more alluring it sounds.

My roommate mentioned NYC. That could be fun. I’ve been through there a bit and it is an electric experience every time. Is it the city I wanna be in right now, well that I ain’t too sure of.

It reality though, nothing has to be permanent. No reason to be stuck in procrastination land. Trying to just trust the universe and my intuition.

Finishing up recording is certainly a goal for the first part of this coming year. I’ve got my record and Dante Elephante’s that needs wrapping.

Do you believe in doing resolutions? I think I used to do that more. Not so much these days, I like goals but I tend to have those throughout the year regardless of the earth’s position to the sun. Is that the same thing? Maybe so.

I found this old list, got a bit tattered during the move, forgive the sloppy hand writing. Usually whatever I haven’t done the previous year I just roll into the coming. Some things I just leave on as healthy reminders and as continuous practices.

A few other things I try to keep in mind, that I wrote down around the same time as the above, are:

“Growth comes from being honest with yourself as well as with those around you, and continuing to do so.”

“It’s okay to not know.”

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight.”

I read those words back often. I keep them in my journal so I can look over them every time I go to write something. It’s soothing. Grounding. It’s the equivalent of putting on comfy shoes or clothes when you got off of work, it helps you get into that more centered state of mind.

My mom was big on affirmations. I’ve mentioned this before but it seems relevant to mention again. It’s something I’ve inherited.

Really missing those two angels.

My Grandma Elaine passed away very recently. Funny enough, it happened on mom’s birthday. December 13th.

We were all up visiting, my brother and sisters along with my dad at my dad’s place. First time without her being around for the holidays or her birthday.

Usually we’d get together to decorate a tree. My little brother and sister would go pick one up. She loved us all being together and loved the lights. Sometimes we’d go up to this one neighborhood and see all the decorations that folks had come up with for their homes, drive around for a little while.

Soft and tender memories. It’s hard to talk about honestly, so I’ll likely keep this short.

We got the word that Grandma, our mom’s mom, was in the hospital that day. Her health had been slowly getting a little worse, she had just turned 92 recently. A long life. It is odd thinking about talking to her on her birthday four days prior. Grateful for that. I wish I had seen her a little more these past few years.

Something that sticks out to me though is a conversation we had right after my mom’s memorial service back in June. She called me and just wanted to tell me how nice the service was and how mom would have loved it. She said it was perfect. I just started crying, we talked for a little while longer and she told me mom would have been proud.

We talked during the early covid years a lot as well. World events. Politics. Local gossip. Music. That was a nice thing, didn’t really think about it then but I’m thankful for it now.

She left us at almost the same time of night as mom. It was also on a Friday. We were able to see her thankfully before she passed. Soon as she got out of surgery and was in the ICU, our uncle let us know we could come by. It was a very intense surgery and they had to stop part way through to give her body a break. She never really stabilized after that, unfortunately. Got to say goodbye though. Uncanny how much she looked like mom. That might have been one of the hardest things, that and the timing.

Surreal. That’s what one of my uncle’s said as we were talking the next day. The whole thing was just surreal.

We had a funeral service pretty soon afterwords, in honor of her faith, this past December 20th.

It has been something else.

I miss them both. A lot.

There is so much there and it’s all fresh.

I’d like to end this communique though on more of a positive. I do not pretend to know what this next year holds but I’d like to think that given what this past year was, maybe some good things await. Maybe its just enough of a shift in the air for us to work towards something clearer and more honest, with ourselves at least, hopefully though with each other as well.

The few pictures I’m leaving at the end are representative of what I want to be doing even more of in this coming chapter. Some highlights from the various tours and shows over the past 12 months. 141 gigs. Ain’t nothing to sneeze at I guess. I feel the tide changing. Maybe it’s the kind of change we all need in order to get to the place we all wanna be. Wherever that is.